Maggie's Mess

I would never shame her for being interested in feminine things like makeup and hair dye. I wouldn’t shame her for wanting to shave her legs or underarms so the kids at school would stop purposefully calling her a boy.

I would celebrate her hobbies and aspirations with genuine curiosity. I would ask her questions and admire the beam in her smile as she spoke about her favorite things. I would encourage her to explore more and assure her that I would be waiting if she was ever scared or in trouble.

I would never shame her for getting her period or for going through puberty like any normal teenage girl. I wouldn’t say, “If you used tampons, imagine what else you would put up there.” or “You know, some men won’t marry you because you’re not a virgin.” shortly after she told her about the sexual assault that left her feeling numb but also terrified. She loved reminding her that the assault was “consensual” a word she didn’t understand until she learned what it meant.

I wouldn’t force her to go to doctor appointments where she would receive birth control injections every three months that would bring up the trauma of the time her veganity was stolen by a nineteen year old man who didn’t care that she was fifteen and scared and also on her period, which he was very upset about. He wasn’t upset enough to stop penetrating his greedy cock inside her, taking what little self esteem and dignity she had left. All while telling her to to quiet when she asked when the pain would stop. He didn’t care that there were people secretly watching from the other side of the room.

I would never shame her for wanting to believe in a god who promised an existence without pain or suffering. A place where you were loved and protected always. I would never tell her things like, “Why don’t you ask your god about it?” in response to her asking about girl puberty stuff.

I would never make my child feel alone or scared or invalidated. I would love them with the fierceness of a lioness and the gentleness of a butterfly. I would fight off all their enemies and teach them to survive. I would teach them to believe in themselves by encouraging them to go after their dreams. I would teach them about money and self control when it comes to food and spending and alcohol. I would teach them how to cook by letting them assist during meal times. I wouldn’t yell at them for being a kid, innocent and free of the responsibilities of life and the dangers if the world.

The only difference is I will not instill fear into their hearts, only a wise and curious mind and confidence. I would want my children to know who they are and what they’re capable of. I would want them to feel my love even when I am away or no longer in this physical, earthly world. I would want them to know I did my best and they are my treasure and my biggest accomplishment.

If this mother’s day is hard for you, know that you are not alone. Be the mother you never had and love yourself like a good mother would. You deserve the healing embrace of unconditional motherly love.

Maggie xo