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“Wherever someone thinks of you, that’s where home is” -Jiraiuya Sensei

You used to be my home. 

Home is somewhere you can return to but I can’t return to you. I took you for granted for too long. I took the gifts you gave me and threw them away. I let cobwebs cover them. I remember the day I met you. We joked that I was your knight in shining armor but in the end you were my light in the darkness.

But my darkness was too much and in the end it consumed us both. You did everything you could to make me see the truth but I was in too deep already. I couldn’t see the love before me. 

The people and places we ventured out to I will never forget. Do you remember the day we confessed our love to each other? I do. Do you remember how many times you tried to tell me your love was true? I do. Do you remember all the times I didn’t believe you? I do. 

And I’m paying for it now in this lonely pit of suffering I’ve dug for myself. Why couldn’t I have seen it sooner? Why couldn’t I have believed you when you poured your heart out to me all those times? 

It’s too late now. I’ll never be able to come back. Our love is over and it will never be healed. At least not in this lifetime. 

I don’t love myself. When I look in the mirror I see a monster. I see something that only causes pain. I caused you pain when all you wanted was my love. 

I can’t imagine a life without you. I can’t imagine not missing you. I can’t imagine moving on without you. The many stories I created in my head only worsened my feelings of doom. They only validated the belief that I am unlovable. 

I have to create something else now. I don’t know where the map is or the blueprints are. I have to pick up the pieces and start to put them together with the tools I have. I have to take my self hatred and turn it into acceptance. I have to accept what isn’t there anymore and that it’s my fault we are nothing now. I have to take my self pity and turn it into strength somehow. This road is lonely and decorated with memories of you. I hope I can get through this without you because right now it seems impossible. I feel as though I’ve lost everything. There is a void inside me that’s always been there but now it’s grown larger and the edges are sore and burning. 

I wonder if you think of me. I wonder if you have a plan to get out of the darkness I couldn’t escape. I wonder if you wish things could have been different. I do. I’ll forever live in the what if of our love. I’ll always wonder what could have been if I had only believed you. If I had only believed in myself. 

My only hope now is that when I look back I’m not bitter. I hope when I look back I’ll be happy and I’ll learn from the mistakes I made. That I’ll learn from the pain I caused. I hope you don’t hate me. I hope that when you look back you see that I tried my best with what I had. That I was so sick and unstable my mind couldn’t believe any of it. I wish that I had realized sooner. Maybe our love could have been saved. But that thought is food for the birds now. I have to say goodbye now. 

Forever I’ll miss you. Forever I’ll wish my eyes could have been opened and the truth was revealed sooner. Forever I will regret losing you. Forever my love I will ask myself why.

By itsmaggie92

Hi I'm Maggie and I'm a 28 year old cat lady that loves writing and anything fun and adventurous.

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