Senses

Smell 

His hair 

Fresh coffee

Puppy breath 

The air freshener in my childhood home in the hallway by my bedroom. It’s floral and sweet and makes me think of wild flowers in a field where I could lay and let the earth wrap itself around me while I stare into the sky wishing things were different. 

Horse hair and dirt 

Taste 

Cold water

His kiss on my lips and the way it tastes like cigarettes 

Cherry twizzlers at work 

Waking up and tasting last night’s beer and asking why because we’ve been through this already and it makes no sense why we keep poisoning ourselves. 

Hear 

“I love you”

“You’re worthless” 

“Use me” 

My boss saying the F bomb seventy eight times in a ten minute period 

The loud whizz of Formula One racing death machines in the morning at home with dad on the weekend and wishing we had more time to have quiet mornings with coffee and good company. 

Touch 

My lover’s warm, soft skin in the morning while we’re snuggling in bed before our alarms go off and wishing we could stay there together all day. 

My keyboard

Gripping the steering wheel while I drive because the freeway makes me anxious. 

Trying to push in my pudgy belly because I’ve gained like twenty pounds and I feel ugly and fat. 

The ground under my feet and the way it takes me places when I’m lost but what I really want is a beacon to guide me home. 

Sight 

Seeing her cantering out in the field during the last photoshoot of her life and you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye before she died because your abusive piece of shit boyfriend refused to let you see your friends. You have a lot of shame and guilt because of that. But it made you stronger and that day you started planning your escape. 

The puppy peeing on the floor and how annoying potty training has been so far. 

The little calico M in between Jade’s gorgeous green eyes. 

My dead father lying in his casket and wondering where the time went. He didn’t have to go. The doctors should have listened to him when he said his hip was hurting him. They should have done the right tests and listened to his concerns. He should still be here.