Rainy Day

‘Cause I wanna be somebody to someone

But it all is starting to blur like a dream

Burn the sash and smash that tiara

No that’s not me

I’ll never be prom queen

No that’s not me

I’ll never be prom queen

    Today is a rainy day and what I mean by that is that I hate myself and if I had my way I wouldn’t have woken up this morning because I feel like a failure. Days like this make me want to buy a twelve pack of beer and guzzle it like it’s my last meal. Days like this make me wanna call my mom and fall apart. Days like this make me wanna cry until the tears run out. 

I have a victim mentality that I’ve been trying to break out of, but no matter how hard I try it seems like I take two steps back. I feel alone. I feel worthless and like I’m a burden to those I care about. I worry them more than I make them smile. 

I’ll never be prom queen. 

I remember at school I always looked at the pretty girls with their boyfriends and I felt so ugly. I felt out of place and like I didn’t belong anywhere. I believed my friends were only friends with me because they felt sorry for me. When my best friend decided high school was too difficult, which it was, she left to finish her schooling at home and I was alone. 

Sometimes my pets are the only ones that keep me going. I look down at Jade’s beautiful green eyes and I remember why I started. I started because I wanted to be a better person. I started because I didn’t want to hate myself. I started because I didn’t want to feel like a failure. I started because I wanted to be stable. I started because I wanted to be happy. 

I fell off the horse and I’ve been lying in the grass staring up at the sky for God knows how long. I’ve been lying on the ground for so long that the weeds have grown into my skin and the dirt has seeped into my clothes. I’ve been lying here so long that I forgot what legs feel like. I want to be free. I want to get back on the horse and ride off into the horizon with the wind in my hair. I want to feel whole and complete. Right now all I feel is pain and brokenness. I’m shattered glass glued together and my edges are sharp and spiky. Be careful not to get too close or I’ll cut you without knowing it. 

Days like this make me think of Virginia Woolf. If I could go back in time I would take all those stones out of her pockets and hold her. I would tell her she is loved and her life is precious. I would tell her that ending her life isn’t the way. I wonder if she knew how infamous she would become. I wish I could have been her friend. 

If this is you please get help. Please don’t make the same mistake that Virginia Woolf did. Please know that your life is valuable and you matter so much. The world wouldn’t be the same without you.

By itsmaggie92

Hi I'm Maggie and I'm a 28 year old cat lady that loves writing and anything fun and adventurous.

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