Hi. My name is Maggie and I’m an alcoholic.
I was sober for a few weeks and in that time I realized how dependent I am on beer and marijuana. I smoke and drink almost everyday and it’s becoming an issue. I have no motivation and all I wanna do is hide away after work and watch YouTube and not think about my problems.
I believe it started when I left my abusive ex. I was twenty four and just moved back in with my parents. I was struggling with my mental health and trying to cope with the fear of my ex coming after me. I eventually got into therapy and started taking medication, but the drinking never stopped. I was a slave to the bottle and every chance I got I was tipping the ‘ol elbow back or loading up a bowl to smoke.
Whenever I felt scared or lonely or even bored I would crack open a beer and start writing or binge watching some show I found on Netflix or whatever streaming service I had at the time. I was miserable and became a slave to my own misery.
I held a lot of anger inside me. Anger towards my family and those who hurt me. Instead of coping in a healthy way, I chose the sad route of drinking and blaming other people. Things got so bad that I called a local mental health facility and checked myself in for the day. That was the worst decision I could have made because while I was under the care of health care professionals, I was assaulted by one of the unstable patients. I felt unheard and unseen. I was treated like I was a criminal. I couldn’t have my phone or wear the clothes I walked in with. Eventually after a few hours I was able to get out of there but it didn’t stop me from getting the help I needed.
Rock bottom came one night after work when I was praying for some other force to take my life. I drank and sobbed and wrote suicide letters to the ones I loved before taking a bottle of pills and going to sleep. By some miracle my life was spared and I ended up going to a psychiatric help facility where I spent three days getting the help I needed.
People with mental health problems are stigmatized and treated differently than “normal” people. We’re not seen as humans. We’re seen as the disorder or disease that we develop later in life. Some of us aren’t as lucky and are born with these issues, but the treatment is still the same.
When I was growing up, I knew I was different. I was weird and I didn’t have many friends. I always thought I was a burden to my family and my classmates in school. I would always compare myself to the other girls. I thought I was ugly and fat. I didn’t look like them or act like them. I wasn’t a girly girl. I liked to climb trees and play in the creek in my neighborhood. I wasn’t afraid to explore, but what I was afraid of was rejection. I was afraid of being abandoned and forgotten.
After I left my abusive ex I was given the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. When I got this news I was both shocked and relieved. All my life I had been trying to figure out why I was the way I was and this finally answered my questions. People with BPD are seen as manipulative and toxic. This disorder makes our brains believe untrue things about ourselves. That we are unlovable and a burden to all those who care about us. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships. This explained a lot for me and I found myself piercing together the evidence towards my diagnosis, but then something dangerous happened.
I started becoming my disorder. I was consumed by the diagnosis and it made me feel crazy, like I had no control over myself and was a slave to my disorder. I felt helpless in my suffering. I felt like no one understood me. I always felt judged and looked past, like I was the last puppy in a litter that no one wanted.
I am a mess in a dress, but I am still here. I am still fighting everyday to become the woman I want to be. I am strong and resilient. I’ve gone through so much but with every circumstance that buries me I’m able to fight my way through the dirt and mud and come up smelling like roses. I have a support system that is unshakable. They’re the ones I lean on in hard times and the ones I celebrate with when the sun is shining in my face.
I know this struggle is temporary and I will be okay. I want you to know that you are perfect just the way you are and if you have a diagnosis it doesn’t define who you are. I want you to know that you are worthy and you matter. I want you to know that the world needs you and you are the key to your future.