I’m the girl you’ve been thinking about
The one thing you can’t live without
Yeah, I’m the girl you’ve been waiting for
I’ll have you down on your knees
I’ll have you begging for more
You probably thought I wouldn’t get this far
You thought I’d end up in the back of a car
You probably thought that I’d never escape
I’d be a rat in a cage, I’d be a slave to this place
You don’t know how hard I fought to survive
Waking up alone when I was left to die
You don’t know about this life I’ve lived
All these roads I’ve walked
All these tears I’ve bled
For a long time I didn’t believe I was lovable. I felt like the outcast, the burden, the black sheep. I was labeled a liar and a whore. I was told my feelings were false and the things that happened to me were my own fault. I felt broken and thrown away. I felt like nothing.
When I found the horse barn I was welcomed into the world of the horse, but also into the world of love and acceptance. I met my friends Deb and Jean one hot summer day when I was a teenager. I lived across the street from a horse barn that I visited often after spending eight hours at school being ridiculed and bullied by my peers. The horse barn became an escape for me. I was able to go there and shed the facade that I had to keep up throughout the day, and finally be myself.
My friends at the barn taught me that I had worth inside me the whole time. They taught me that hard work can pay off. They taught me to love and respect myself. I remember the day I finally told them my story.
I told them of the night I was assaulted by the guy at the party I went to with a friend. The look on their faces were disgust, empathy, and anger. My friends were angry because they were the only one’s up to that point that validated my feelings. They were angry because my parents didn’t want to help me. Instead they blamed me for the things that happened to me and made my existence that much harder to bear. I felt alone in my suffering. That was until I found my barn friends and started to break free from my turmoil.
Let me say this, I don’t hate my family. I know they only responded with what they learned from their parents and their experiences in life. My mother had a horrible childhood. Her father is an alcoholic and used to physically and emotionally abuse her all the way up until she moved out of his house when she was eighteen. I can’t imagine the fear and confusion she acquired from my grandfather’s constant abuse. He never wanted to accept that she was his child. I don’t know why he didn’t accept her, but because of this, he didn’t accept myself and my brother as his grandchildren.
I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t put my children through that. I am taking it upon myself to break the generational abuse and pain of my family. I will teach my children that it’s okay for them to come to me when they have problems. I will teach my children that their weaknesses are their strengths. I will teach them that they are made of love.
Who am I?
I’ve asked myself this question all my life and sometimes I come up with nothing. Sometimes it’s really hard to decide who you want to be, but the best part is that you have the choice. We can change who we want to be. Your past doesn’t matter anymore. The only thing that matters is right now. Not the future, not tomorrow or next week. The only thing that matters is what you do right now for you to be a better, more authentic you.
I have been an angry teenager with rage against my family and those who wronged me. I have been a sad little girl with fear inside her that radiates her existence. I’ve been a strong confident woman who knows her worth and all the power she holds inside her. I’ve been a friend to listen and give advice. I’ve been that friend who needs someone to listen to her. I’m the girl who walks barefoot in her yard when it rains because she likes the feel of the grass on the soles of her feet. I’m the girl singing in her car on her way home from work. I’m the girl who was left behind to die. I’m the girl with secrets that she may never tell anyone. I’m the girl in the kitchen eating her weight in ice cream and Modelo to drown the voices. I’m the girl who can make all your dreams come true. I’m the animal loving, tree climbing girl that wants to be friends with everyone. I am the beautiful, empowered woman who will conquer her fears and step into her new self. I am new and old. Dead and alive. Black and white. Sun and moon. I am everything.
I hope wherever you are you believe in yourself. I hope you know who you are down to your core and if you don’t I hope you dig deep into yourself to find out. I hope you make choices everyday to make your soul happy. When you think of who you want to be I hope you think happy thoughts. I hope you surround yourself with people you love. The ones who know you deep down. The ones who will vouch for you and keep your path straight. The ones who will help you when you stumble. I hope you come home to yourself.