It’s Okay

Oh dang 

Oh my 

Now I can’t hide

Said I knew myself 

But I guess I lied

It’s okay 

If you’re lost 

We’re all a little lost

And it’s alright 

When I heard this song that went viral all over the internet I felt so inspired and grateful and fucking terrified. 

Because I am lost and not okay. 

Recently I’ve had a realization of my own mortality. I’ve been thinking of my dad a lot and I miss him so much it hurts. When I visit my mother back in Ohio I get excited because when I open the front door my father will be sitting there watching television like he always does, or outside mowing the lawn or helping my mom with the garden or working in the poll barn on his mustang or in the kitchen drinking flavored water beverages or somewhere else in the house. But when I open the door he’s not there anymore and it’s the worst kind of let down because I still hope even though I know damn well he’s gone. I wish there was more time. I wish I made more of an effort to go out and visit. I wish I made more of the time that we had. I would give anything to have a quiet morning with my dad. Both of us sipping coffee, enjoying the chirps of birds and sounds of our back porch with the dogs lying in the grass. I would give anything to hang out with him again. 

I’ve also been thinking about how much I neglect myself. All parts of myself. I have a belly now. I drink too much. I smoke cigarettes. I don’t brush my teeth at night. I’m a hypocrite and a liar and a fucking failure. I thought moving to Michigan would give me a clean sleight, a new beginning, but really it’s a different book with the same shit inside. I’m just being real right now. 

But I’m okay. 

I still wake up every morning next to the love of my life. I still have three beautiful fur children hungry for breakfast jetting across the hallway with their furry beans excitedly. I still have a job that allows me to live in a beautiful farm home and drive a brand new car. I still have my writing. I still have the opportunity everyday to be a better person. I get to prove to myself everyday that I deserve to be happy and live a meaningful life. I get to love with my whole heart and my whole soul. I get to celebrate my father’s life. I get to build a family with the love of my life. I get to have a life that is mine. I get to appreciate and care for my body, mind, and spirit. I get to write everyday to strangers that value my work. I get to value my work. I get to transform my jealousy and insecurity into acceptance and confidence in myself. 

I can think back to three years ago when I first started college and my writing journey. I felt excited and ready to prove myself to the community of english majors at Ohio State. I poured myself into my work. I struggled with feeling heard and accepted with my peers. I felt judged for my writing style. I didn’t feel good enough to be who I wanted to be. 

I wrote things that were so intimate and about wounds still tender to the touch. I feel like I’ve done a lot of healing so far, but I still have so much work to do within myself. I still question myself sometimes. I still don’t fully trust myself. I still don’t fully love myself. I trip up all the time. I relapse and drink and cry about the problems I don’t know how to break free from. I still blame people for my own problems. I still don’t take accountability when I need to. I still am bad with money. 

But I’m okay. 

And I’m here to tell you that it’s okay too. 

If you feel like a failure, just take a step back and look at yourself and wait until tomorrow to answer those deep, soul eroding questions. Because tomorrow is a new day. I hope you know how special you are. I hope you know how much the world needs you. I hope when you think of love you picture yourself because all this power is within you and you deserve to experience meaningful connections and see beautiful things. 

You are the answer. 

Take care, 

Maggie xo 

By itsmaggie92

Hi I'm Maggie and I'm a 28 year old cat lady that loves writing and anything fun and adventurous.

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