Cynthia

I’ve always been a little lost. I’ve felt like  My whole life I’ve felt like I don’t belong. I don’t give myself permission to be someone else, to be myself. 

Most of the time I am Cynthia. 

She’s the scared little girl who lives inside me. She is the pain of my past that I can’t let go of, that I can’t break free from. Cynthia feels like a bad child. She’s always trying to please others in order for them to love her. She always fears the worst is about to happen. She doesn’t trust herself and feels threatened by others, especially other women. 

Cynthia is a nightmare unraveling inside me. I feel toxic and unhealthy and it’s seeping into other places in my life. She leaves dirty laundry and clothes everywhere. Her car is a mess. She doesn’t take accountability for her actions and everything is someone else’s fault. She has no control over her emotions and her thoughts control her reality. She’s a ruiner. Rotten and sucking the life out of others with her negativity. She can’t fend for herself. 

Having borderline personality disorder is like living your life on autopilot. WItnessing the chaos around yourself, but having no way of fixing it. At least that’s how it feels for me. I’m constantly battling with Cynthia. She gets offended by everything and little things turn into big things that ruin her whole day and everyone else’s around her because she’s so dependent on other people to solve her problems. She’s a terrible listener and only wants to hear what will make her feel better. And if it doesn’t she’ll create an obsessive world that keeps her in her little safe miserable bubble. 

Needless to say, Cynthia is ruining my life. 

I have to love this little girl. I picture her so well in my mind. She’s me from second grade. She’s wearing glasses and her head band that is way too big for her head and her favorite red dress. Her crooked front teeth and her pointy ear are her worst insecurities. People mistake her for a boy often. She desperately wanted to be a girly girl, but her mother wouldn’t let her shave or wear makeup when she hit puberty. She wanted to be like the pretty girls in school who had boyfriends and wore whatever they wanted. She wanted to fit in so badly that she would compare herself to the girls at school. She would be so critical of herself because she didn’t have clear skin, pretty teeth, long straight hair, or cute clothes to wear. All she wanted was to be noticed and loved. 

I have to love this little girl who hates her body and her face. She hates her big nose and her crooked teeth, her pointy ear, and her squishy belly and thick legs. She thinks she’s ugly. I have to save this little girl and bring her to the light and set her free. 

The scary part is I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. When I’m faced with a problem I revert back to the old me. Cynthia takes the wheel and speeds and crashes and kills everything in her path. She reacts and it’s nearly impossible for her to be stopped. If anyone is out there that knows how to tame this beast, please send help and ice cream. Cynthia loves sweets. 

I want to hear these wounds. I want to heal the parts of myself that were told I wasn’t good enough. The parts that longed for social interaction when I felt alone and disregarded. When I felt like I came in last place every time no matter how hard I tried. I want to let go of this pain and feel freedom coursing through my body. I want to face Cynthia with a loving heart and an understanding that will penetrate down to her soul. I want to be her friend and console her when she feels afraid or alone. I want to remind her of how special she is when she feels like she doesn’t belong. 

I want to make a change. I want to find my power. I think the key to this power is taking care of my inner child. I have to nurture the pain I’ve felt in my life. I get to face those demons hand in hand with Cynthia. We get to slay the dragon together. We get to escape the pain of the past and step into the present together. We get to be better versions of ourselves. We get to be someone else, ourselves. 

I have to say goodbye to Cynthia. She has hijacked my life for too long. I have listened to her concerns and fears and they have only brought me turmoil and pain. I understand she is trying to protect me, but it’s time for Maggie to take care of herself now. 

It starts with keeping your word, keeping the promises you make, and acknowledging when the inner child starts to take over. Cynthia tries to keep me from breaking my old habits. Instead of going to the gym, she wants me to drink all the margarita mix in the fridge after work. Instead of showering, she would rather watch YouTube and put off important things. Cynthia is the lazy part of me that is afraid of failure so she procrastinates and avoids things like the plague. I have to love this little girl and teach her the right way to live. I have to teach her to trust me and walk on her own. 

I hope wherever you are you are healing and growing even if it feels painful right now. It won’t always feel that way. It will be worth it and you will come out on the other side. I promise we will get through this together. 

Take care, 

Maggie xo

By itsmaggie92

Hi I'm Maggie and I'm a 28 year old cat lady that loves writing and anything fun and adventurous.

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