Trust Yourself

I recently just started working out again and it’s been a struggle to begin a new routine. I remember when I was in shape in my early twenties. I felt good, but my insides were fighting me tooth and nail. I harboured a lot of anger and resentment towards the people in my life that had hurt me. Especially my family. 

I grew up believing my parents were superheroes, not actual human beings with feelings and their own unaddressed trauma. I trusted them and never thought they would hurt me. But the thing about life is that just when you start to get comfortable, a curve ball is thrown in your direction and it smacks you right in the face. 

My cure for this was to run my anger away and visit the horse barn as much as I could. 

When I stepped foot into the gym yesterday I felt insecure. The extra fat I was carrying seemed to scream out at everyone who passed me. The huge gym before me seemed daunting and too big. I was intimidated by the machinery and all the well toned individuals around me. Younger Maggie would have stepped into her own rhythm in that moment because she had a goal. She had a goal to bury all her anger and hurt. 

Now as I enter the gym I am hesitant. The anger I held inside me for so long was starting to dissipate and dissolve. I felt like I had nothing to give to myself. But that’s just the voice inside me that wants me to fail. It’s the part of me that is still in need of love and kindness. I realized then that I needed to trust myself. 

The Maggie from before didn’t trust herself. She was scared and running away from her problems. She blamed other people for her misfortunes and she hated taking responsibility for her actions. She was out of control. 

I remember this Maggie. She used to drink heavily every night to drown her demons. She was living with her parents and struggling to get her Associates degree while working full time at a shitty food service job. She wanted more. She wanted adventure and her four walls of her bedroom were beginning to suffocate her. She was more concerned with helping others than she was helping herself and that got her in a lot of trouble. Trouble like her mental health slipping into darkness. Trouble like her drinking getting out of control. Trouble like she didn’t love herself. 

When I think back to this angry Maggie I remember how scared and lonely she was. She didn’t believe she was worthy of love or happiness. She believed life would just pass her by. If I could go back in time I would hold her in my arms and tell her that her demons don’t own her. I would tell her she has power over those voices and she is immensely loved because she is love. 

I would tell her I’m so proud of her for coming so far. I would tell her that the struggles behind her are worth it. That she came up smelling like roses. I would tell her that it’s not her fault her parents failed her because they’re people too. I would tell her they are human too and they didn’t know what they were doing because they had their own problems to deal with, which wasn’t her burden to bear. 

I would tell her that the things you thought would kill you are the things that are going to make her stronger. I would tell her that there is so much life in front of her and so many amazing people waiting to meet her and change her life. I would tell her that she would change their lives too. 

I would tell her to trust herself because she knows all the answers to the life she wants because she holds all the power. I would tell her to look deep within herself and believe that everything will be okay in the end. 

I would tell her that the men who hurt her in the past don’t matter and that there is an amazing man waiting for her in her future that will change the way she sees love. He will open the door for her and tell her she’s beautiful. He will love her in a way that challenges the whole way she sees herself. He will make her a better woman, lover and friend. 

I would tell her that her writing would be worth it and sharing her story would change lives. I would tell her she would meet people in her life that would become her family and be in her corner when things get rough. I would tell her to lean on these people but to remember to stand on her own two feet as well because she has all the power she needs within her. 

Even though I step into the gym a little nervous and insecure, the difference is that I trust myself. I trust myself to make the right decisions and to do what’s best for me. I trust myself to take responsibility for my actions. I trust myself to make myself happy. I trust myself to love myself even when doing so is work. I trust myself to do the hard work so that I can be a better me. 

I invite you to talk to your old self and when you do be gentle and kind. Look at them with love in your heart and patience in your eyes. Tell them they are not alone and you are proud of where they have been. Tell them you love them. Tell them they did not fail. Tell them you trust them and they are enough. 

Take care, 

Maggie xo

By itsmaggie92

Hi I'm Maggie and I'm a 28 year old cat lady that loves writing and anything fun and adventurous.

2 comments

  1. The growth in your writing since you started the blog is amazing. Your posts have always been rich with heartfelt feeling but there is a new confidence in the way you communicate it. Thank you for sharing with us in your journey..

    Does the Caterpillar
    Self built prison
    Trapped Away
    Even know
    Of the Coming Day?

    Thank you again.. keep on flying to new heights.

    Like

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