I’ve been longing for a fresh start. To live in a place where not a single soul knows my name or any of my past mistakes.
I crave change for the first time in a long time.
I’m tired of sabotaging myself of my well deserved happiness and peace. I am worthy of a new beginning. For the first time in my life I believe I deserve good things. I deserve to be loved and to take up space in the world.
I had a moment this morning when I thought if my late father and I wished that he were here. Then I remembered, in my pocket, I have our rose quartz I shared with him.
I chose to give him a rose quartz because the bond I shared with my dad was magical and so extraordinary. Unfortunately I didn’t realize this until he was gone. He was a simple kind of guy. He loved his wife and family. He longed to provide for us and so the best he could to give us the great life we had. I have to accept that this new beginning won’t have him in it, but I will feel his presence always. That is why I carry this stone in my left pocket.
This new beginning will be something I get to create for myself and as much as I want my dad to be here he isn’t. I wish to live my life to the fullest and live in a way my dad would be proud of. I know deep down all my dad wanted was to see me happy and I chose to be just that.
In this moment I find peace. In this moment I’m discovering myself. In this moment I’m fully aware of what’s at stake.
It feels so freeing to believe I deserve good things.
On the day of his funeral I took a quartz stone and snuck it in my dad’s pocket and I swear I felt him there with me. Whenever I do feel him I feel a sense of peace wash over me. I know my dad will be with me no matter where I go. If I listen closely I can hear him calling me “sissy”, something he always called me that felt special and possessive in a paternal way.
I hope wherever you are you feel like you belong. I hope you feel peace. I hope you feel worthy of all life’s beautiful moments. Just remember you can always be you and you always have yourself.