Sober

It’s raining outside your new house in Farmington And I’m thinking about the questions you asked me to write about.

When we were drinking I was asleep. I was dreaming but only the recurring nightmares that clouded my slumber. I saw you but didn’t really recognize you. I wasn’t even aware of myself. My veins pumped Modelo and Miller Lite. Yours had bourbon and American Spirits. I remember those days like they were a different lifetime.

Drinking for me wasn’t about enjoying the buzz. It was about drowning my demons and hoping they wouldn’t swim back to the surface in the morning light. I don’t know what’s it’s like for you, but for me it wasn’t fun.

Whenever I felt scared or like the world would come crushing down—even the smallest thing would set me off—I would grab a drink and tip it back. Whenever I felt lonely or sad I would pour myself a tall glass. I wasn’t dealing with my problems. I was hiding and burying myself deeper into my misery.

You can’t grow a forest without the proper nutrients and love. I wasn’t loving myself and I was only pouring poison into my body. I wondered how you kept it together those nights.

Before I started drinking I used to write more and I wasn’t obsessed over things I made up in my head. I would go to the barn to see the horses and hang out with my friends. I didn’t hide in my room in the dark isolating myself.

My grandfather is an alcoholic and he’s not a nice drunk. He degrades my grandmother and says horrible things to her. When my mother was brewing up he was abusive and even rejected her as his own daughter, believing she was someone’s else’s kid and my grandmother was unfaithful. These was all bullshit lies. I don’t want to be like my grandfather and I knew if I had kept drinking all that rage and guilt I felt from my childhood would turn me into that monster of a man.

I can see clearly now because I realize there’s more in life than feeling alone. I feel awake now. I feel in control. I feel like I’m consciously making decisions now that I’m not drunk. When I see you now it’s with sober eyes. I see a man before me with adventure in his eyes and a dream in his heart and that same passion you feel lights me on fire. It burns a passion in me I thought died. I don’t want to lose you and drinking would be my ammunition to kill what we have.

Now that I’m sober I feel like I can love deeper and love more meaningfully. I live for the next adventure. I’m hopeful. I laugh more. I’m not drinking to pass the time because I’m bored or because I’m replacing self care with red wine on Tuesday afternoon. I feel more at ease in my own skin. I feel like I can trust myself.

Sober Maggie likes to feel sexy and confident. She doesn’t need an excuse to speak her mind. Sober Maggie is a weirdo. She likes to do dangerous things like ride on the back of her boyfriend’s Harley to the grocery store to buy ice cream. I know, she’s a real badass.

The rain used to make me sad like a storm was brewing above me. Now I see life preparing to bloom all around me. I see that in you. This new beginning will be good for you. I promise I’ll always be by your side. I’ll always be yours.

Take care,

Maggie xo

By itsmaggie92

Hi I'm Maggie and I'm a 28 year old cat lady that loves writing and anything fun and adventurous.

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