Error

The house he lives in now is 404, which is an error if you’re asking me. And quiet frankly, this past six months have been an error. My father passed away and my boyfriend left me all alone. There are errors all over my life and I’m finding myself struggling to keep my head above water.

It’s currently day twelve since he left and I’m a goddamn mess (good thing I wrote this blog, huh?) and I’m trying to find ways to occupy myself. To distract myself from the achy, hollow hole in my chest where he once resided. Now I have to start from rock bottom and rebuild my life again. And I have to do it without him.

I’ve learned some things since his leaving and the big lesson I’ve learned is that you can’t rely on anyone for your happiness no matter how much you love them or how close you are. I was leaning on him too much and we became unhappy as a result. It’s not either of our faults and I’m trying to accept this is hard for both of us. There were simply things we could not agree or compromise on and in the end it destroyed us. It’s hard not to despise him for leaving me. It feels like a part of me is missing or completely died.

I want to be free of this pain.

I want to walk with my head high because I know I feel secure and confident in myself. I want to look out for my own happiness and my best interest. Being with him was going against all my morals and values and no matter how hard I fought it, I was lying to myself. It was never going to work for us.

This concept of self love is bullshit. I think we should rename it, “self acceptance” and for me, that means accepting the good and bad about myself and working towards changing the things that I can about myself. It means taking care of myself when I just want to drink and cry instead of going to the gym. It means going out with friends when I want to isolate and medicate. It means putting myself first and focusing on what is going to bring me pleasure and joy.

The hardest part of this breakup is not being able to talk or see him. I’m constantly checking my phone in hopes that he will come back, but I know that’s not going to happen. I can’t wait around for a guy to rescue me. I have to be my own knight in shining armor.

If you’re going through any kind of loss right now, I feel your pain and I’m deeply sorry. I hope you can find some sort of peace and stability. That’s what I’m searching for myself. I wish you the best in your journey to find self acceptance and to come to a place where you feel whole as you walk with yourself on this earth.

Maggie xo

By itsmaggie92

Hi I'm Maggie and I'm a 28 year old cat lady that loves writing and anything fun and adventurous.

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